Breeding envy — societal constructs

Behind closed doors

Another one of my experiences of colourism, featurism, texturism, racial profiling and colonialist white supremacy occurred within a new business opportunity.

This business opportunity was to be a team of 5. Only 5. And I can imagine that everyone who had been invited for the induction had assumed that they were going to be part of that 5.

Except…there were 10 of us.

Each woman was beautiful in her own way (yes, all of us were women — the foundation of trouble itself). Now… I see beauty where others see colour, and unfortunately in this article I will make reference to skin colour, race, hair and facial features in order to convey some of the bitter sentiments that go on in this world. Despite the fact that I’d proven myself through dedication and intellect for the opportunity — The CEO was an old school white European man in his 50’s who had a fetish for me. His assistant — was a coffee skin slender African woman in her late 20’s, who both admired and envied me. You can smell the stench of envy from a mile away, and it’s not pleasant.

When I say this European CEO was indelicate and inappropriate, I mean you could have believed he hired me with the solid intention to fuck me. This happens more so often then people talk about, and it’s one of the many dilemma’s women face in the work environment. For his African protégé, I dare say she also agreed to hire me, because she knew it would make him happy. What the bloody hell. What’s even worse, was that it was evident that she really really liked this CEO, and he just wasn’t that interested in her. At the time I almost felt like she was a pimp, her behaviour towards me when he was around -“ You know, you’re my favourite candidate”. I will dive deeper into this psychological dilemma in a continuation of this article, but what I would like to highlight here — is that many many people fall to “The power of white”

Because our CEO was white and he wanted me, it was almost as if he was entitled to have me, and even if it did not sit well with her– the white man gets what the white man wants. Brainwashed by the power of white. People do not talk about how societal structures and systemic racism have people living in an unconscious state of mental oppression. Immediately if he is a white man -he is seen to be a better man. As soon as its a white woman- her opinion commands respect and an audience. Unconsciously, people associate “white” with “ better”, or “right” or “authority”. This is disturbing. Years of brainwashing in action. …. Well, thank God that I'm self-aware and not into elderly white men with supremacy complexes.

The other women asked about my race, asked about what my parents looked like, they asked about the way I spoke English. One lady even asked to see my hair underneath my wig. These women were so interested in what social concepts I identified with — more so than me. Having experienced so much racism in my early years (from many sides), I built myself up to be able to relate with peoples of all kinds, but never to directly identify with a specific social construct. I see that the more race is focused on, the more it becomes an issue, the more skin colour is focused on- the more skin colour becomes an issue. However, I cannot simply ignore it. I see these social constructs in my day-to-day life, and I recognise how they change interactions between people and the perceptions that specific peoples have of other peoples.

I know that I am not as confident as I could be or would like to be (it’s a work in progress) and I also know that some women can sense that — which made it easier for them to show how they truly felt about me. In the many weeks of this business opportunity, I would hear comments like “ If I were you I'd wear this”, “if I had your body I wouldn’t cover it up”, “if I were your skin colour I would wear something like this” “I wish I had your nose, I wouldn’t need to contour”…. in all of these occasions I wasn’t asking for anyone’s advice or opinion on how to be me, guaranteed if my confidence was on the level I would like it to be on — people would have a lot more to say about me behind my back as opposed to in passing commentary... As I said, the confidence is a work in progress. Nevertheless, it became evident that these women imagined being me more than I (or they) would like to admit. They wanted to live vicariously through me because society had brainwashed them to such an extent — that they associated my skin colour, features and mannerisms with a better life. Inevitably, leading them to uncontrollable envy.

These are the things that very few people want to talk about. A great man once said “ It is what it is.”

There’s a big difference between envy and jealousy. This is how I would like you to understand it; You cannot be envious of something you’ve already had. This is why envy is worrying, because its based-on imagination — what you think it feels like to be that person, what it would be like if you were that person. The worst part is, envy comes from an unconscious place of hopelessness, knowing that you will never be that person or have what they have. Envy comes from a place of desire and no experience. People who desire something that they have never experienced or will never experience.

Desiring a person’s societal privileges — is envy. Envy is dangerous.

Jealousy is much easier. I can be jealous of something or someone that I have a familiarity with -something that I have somewhat experienced, or something I can acquire or become in the future, but do not currently have, or possess. Jealousy comes from an experience, and jealousy is controllable. I can attest to this, though I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, depression and insecurity — very few times have I acted on jealousy, and in the times that I have, they haven’t been as serious as they could’ve been. However, I believe that if I were experiencing envy, the aftermath would be a great deal worse. They say that envy ends in death, and I have no desire to cut my life short. I know myself; I know that I could fight in jealousy as there’s a chance to win. I will never fight in envy because that is a war already lost.

They desired to be my skin colour. They envied the colour of my skin.

They desired to have my facial features. They envied my facial features.

They desired to have my experience of culture. They envied my upbringing.

The brainwashing of society in its truest form, colourism breeds envy, featurism breeds envy, texturism breeds envy…. How many more “isms” will come to light in the future?

I can admit that I have had uncanny advantages in my career because of pretty privilege, featurism, colourism, and the way I speak English. That is a fact. As hard as I may work, I cannot negate that many facets of what I look like, and which culture my mannerisms can be associated with -have played a big role in the opportunities I’ve been offered.

Instead of fighting the system, people choose to fight who the system benefits. And yes, because I benefit from the system I can completely acknowledge that I am part of the problem — why would someone fight a system they benefit from?

If you want equality, we need an entirely new system.

Given that all articles I write do away with the anxious need that people have for these controversial topics to be sugar-coated, understand the necessity of my bluntness. Certain peoples with certain features, of certain skin colours and certain mannerisms have been favoured in society. Featurism, colourism, texturism and racism have been and still are benefitting these people greatly — ask yourself, if you were them — would you want the system to change?

I mean, name a white person who has never used an ounce of their white privilege. I'll wait.

To be even more so blunt to paint the picture accurately — I am golden caramel brown, my facial features are slender and sharp, my English is pristine and my mannerisms are of white culture (being raised in a white family) my surname is 7th century British. Brown skin beauty with a white man’s mentality — I make people with a lesser spectrum feel uncomfortable.

For many white men — I am exceedingly palatable, easy to relate to, a friend, an ally, a love interest or a fetish.

For many black men — I am a love interest, a friend, an ego boost and trophy, or an ally.

For many white women- I am trustworthy, easy to relate to, a good friend and they can align themselves with me.

For many mixed-race women — I am a good friend, easy to relate to, an ally, and in many cases -I’m their competition.

For many black women — I am either the enemy or one of their greatest allies. On very few occasions has there been an in-between.

[NOTE that I have not mentioned all facets of what society knows as race, however I trust that you can gauge the point I'm trying to get across]

People will argue on this, debate this, and disagree with this — one of the reasons that the dynamics I’ve mentioned occur is because of how society is structured. I can see that the value society has placed on certain features, skin colours, hair textures and mannerisms often define how others treat you and perceive you.

I know myself, I know the world and I can see how deeply indoctrinated we all are.

How would you treat me if society didn’t teach you what they have?

Despite all this, I simply aspire to be myself, and become my very best self.

Alas, bien vivre, Live well by all means. We will continue with the trivia of my work environment in a continuation of this article.

This is only the beginning.